Nobody likes an asshole, but no one likes a spineless wimp either. So how does a career professional communicate and get their voice heard in an organization without being either?—By developing assertiveness skills. Assertiveness is an oft-misunderstood concept. Many people confuse assertiveness and aggression, but they're not the same thing.
Aggressive Communication
An aggressive person (aka asshole) communicates in a way that violates other's rights. They tend to be verbally or physically abusive, or both. Aggressive communication is often born of low self-esteem, usually caused by negative life experiences.
Aggressive people display a low tolerance for frustration, use humiliation, interrupt frequently, and use criticism or blame to attack others. They use piercing eye contact and are not good listeners. You know you're talking with an aggressive person when they use statements that imply:
Another person is inferior, wrong, and not worth anything.
A problem is someone else's fault.
They are superior and right.
They will get their way no matter what.
They are entitled, and that the other person "owes" them.
Passive-aggressive Communication
There's a variant of aggression in the passive-aggressive person. I live in Minnesota, so I'm very familiar with this type of aggression. The passive-aggressive person uses a communication style that appears passive on the surface but is really communicating anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way.
Passive-aggressive people usually feel powerless, stuck, and resentful. They are not comfortable with dealing directly with conflict. Instead, they express their anger by subtly undermining a person. You may hear them muttering to themselves instead of respectfully confronting another person. They often smile at you, even though they are angry, use subtle sabotage, or speak with sarcasm. Here are some examples of passive-aggressive statements:
"I'm not mad!"
"Fine. Whatever."
"I'm coming!" (but not really)
"I didn't know you meant now."
"You just want everything to be perfect."
"I thought you knew."
Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is a bit different from aggressiveness. An assertive person is confident and direct when dealing with others and promotes fairness and equality. It's based on a positive sense of respect for self and others. It is the direct communication of a person's needs, wants, and opinions without punishing, threatening, or putting down another person. I feel that we've forgotten that a person can be assertive in this hypersensitive world without being an asshole.
Assertive behavior includes the ability to stand up for a person's legitimate rights – without violating the rights of others or being overly fearful in the process. It's a skill that can be learned and a situational-specific behavior, meaning different types of assertive behavior can be used in different situations.
Assertive behavior involves three categories of skills; self-affirmation, expressing positive feelings, and expressing negative feelings.
Assertive people feel connected to other people. They make statements of needs and feelings that are clear, appropriate, and respectful. Feeling in control of themselves, they speak calmly, are good listeners, and maintain good eye contact. They create a respectful environment for others and do not allow others to abuse or manipulate them. Assertive communication conveys the idea that:
"I am confident about who I am."
"I cannot control others, but I control myself."
"I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point."
"I know I have choices in my life, and I consider my options. I am fully responsible for my happiness."
"We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another."
How Does One Develop Assertive Skills?
An excellent place to start is training. There are plenty of training offerings available from your local community colleges—another good place to find training is online. LinkedIn Learning has several good courses. And, of course, you can get personal coaching. A personal coach can help you turn training into behaviors and develop your assertive skills. So why go to all the trouble? The benefits of assertive communication skills are well known; developing them will help you:
· Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
· Understand and recognize your feelings
· Earn respect from others
· Improve communication
· Prevent conflict
· Improve your decision-making skills
· Build trust
· Reduces stress
The bottom line is that you can get your voice heard by developing assertive communication skills, have more things go your way, and feel confident without being an "asshole." I'll close with a quote from Robert Sutton's book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't. Sutton writes, "… "two tests that I use for spotting whether a person is acting like an asshole:
Test One: After talking to the alleged asshole, does the "target" feel oppressed, humiliated, de-energized, or belittled by the person? In particular, does the target feel worse about him or herself?
Test Two: Does the alleged asshole aim his or her venom at people who are less powerful rather than at those people who are more powerful?"
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